The thrill is gone

We live in strange times don't we? Well I think that we do - another 5 years of Tory (mis) rule have arrived seemingly by accident, or at the very least against the run of play; anyone who dares to question anything that they say and do is labelled at best a troublemaker and more likely a loony lefty revolutionary ready to take the 'great' out of Great Britain. Most of the country didn't vote for them of course, but that hardly seems to matter - millions struggle to keep a roof over their head and put food on the table while The Royal Family casually add another member who will live with all the luxury and opulence that they've come to consider 'normal'. For what my opinion is worth I think that the very existence of The Royal Family is an insult to the working people, indeed the working class of the country, but I guess that just makes me a loony lefty revolutionary troublemaker. If you're lucky enough to have a job then you're not supposed to have a opinion, if you're lucky enough to have a opinion then you don't deserve to have a job; in the meantime former contestants on television talent contests are now considered to be 'artists', the winners are referred as 'legends' while others are now presenters or indeed judges on said programmes. A self-fulfilling prophesy? Maybe... 
If B.B. King had have showed up on the set of The X Factor he'd have lasted a few seconds at best - too old, too heavy, not able to sing and play guitar at the same time, not even trying to dance, all of which means that he will have to be content with being remembered as one of the greatest and most respected blues guitarists of all time. His playing is literally the stuff of legend - yes, legend - with sad men like me spending their entire lives trying to get even near to it. We all bend strings, but no one bends a string like B.B. King. Did he invent it? Well probably not, but as he himself once observed, nobody did it before him. And then there's that vibrato - often imitated but never equalled, it almost redefines the term 'industry standard'. As an artist - yes, an artist - he stayed true to himself and his music throughout his long and illustrious career, and as such should be seen as an inspiration to musicians everywhere. There is thankfully a huge amount of superb live footage, most of which confirms his graceful greatness and total commitment to his music, so here is a clip of 'How Blue Can you Get?' recorded at Sing Sing Prison - somehow he even looks cool hitching his pants up doesn't he? What a player, and what a man - we are sadly unlikely ever to see his like again. R.I.P. B.B. - and thanks.

It's been a busy few days in mad-guitar-land, starting with a show by The London Sewage Company at The Dublin Castle in Camden Town. I'd not played there before and so was particularly looking forward to the evening, which turned out to be highly enjoyable despite there being hardly anybody in the audience. It had been raining heavily all day which probably had an effect on things, and it's often the case that a big show (we played at The Shepherds Bush Empire last month) is followed by a much smaller one. Still we played well and we're back at the same venue on June 4th for another show in what could well turn out to be a monthly residency for the band. Support came from The Uppercuts (Oooh! That's a dodgy name for a band!) and Dirt Royal (both of which were excellent) and earlier in the evening I found time to visit The Rock 'n' Roll Rescue shop next door - time to donate some of those books that I haven't read for ages methinks!

Two Big Al Reed and The Blistering Buicks gigs saw the band return to The Riverside Club in Staines on Friday night before heading up to the previously uncharted territory (that's uncharted by us - other people have been there!) of The United Services Club in Dunstable the following evening. Both shows went well although I for one wasn't sure that they would - the first one was rather sparsely attended while the next night had a real 'go on then, impress us' feeling about it from the moment we arrived. However I'm pleased to say that in both cases the band rose to the occasion, playing with plenty of energy while Al's showmanship soon had the people on our side. Indeed both gigs saw plenty of dancing and general merriment which is always a good thing to see.

On Sunday I (re)joined my old mates Neck for a how at The Cursus Festival in Dorset. With no chance to rehearse with the band I'd worked on the songs on my own, and I'm glad that I did as the projected set list was changed on the day when the band got to the site. This sort of things happens a fair bit as it's always good to react to what's happening on the day, and when we realised that there was rather a lot of cider around (I'll leave you to think about the implications of that development... got the idea?!?) we changed the set to be a bit more, shall we say, danceable... it was a tactic that worked too, as our show saw a great amount of jollity from the assembled multitude, and an excellent time was had by all.

This coming weekend Ruts D.C. are playing in Bologna (I've not been to Italy before so I've been looking forward to this show for a while) and at Strummercamp at Manchester Rugby Club - Bologna and Cheadle Hulme has to be the most unusual and indeed unlikely back-to-back gigs that I've ever done! In the meantime it's Pete Townshend's 70th birthday tomorrow - when push comes to shove he's my favourite guitarist of them all, so here is some incredible footage of The Who at The 1970 Isle Of Wight Festival touching musical heights that few if any will ever approach. 
Enjoy!

The Evil Dead

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher died earlier today. I expect you've seen or heard about it on the news. I must say that I'd never wish anybody dead (not even her!) but as someone who remembers only too well the horrors of her evil reign of terror back in the Eighties and Nineties - the poll tax and the subsequent riots, the miners' strike, the Falklands War, the list goes on and on - and who has a dim recollection of the 'milk snatcher' from back in the Seventies, I for one won't be grieving too much. But lots of people will - I've just seen some bloated sycophant praising her 'warmth and kindness' (!) on one channel and then turned over to see that there's a tribute programme on another - so I guess that means we've got days, weeks, maybe even months of fellow Conservatives like Jeffery Archer (a convicted criminal remember) bleating on and on about her and what a great leader she was. Oh well, one can only hope that there will also be room for a more realistic view of things... and you never know, we might all get a day off for the funeral - after all, she gave all those three million or so unemployed working class people lots of days off while she was in power didn't she?

I'm sure that there'll be more ill-considered attempts at sarcasm from me on the subject another time, but until then here is some music. Enjoy.

That petrol emotion

You see some funny things when you work in a shop, especially an 'outside-of-the-mainstream' place like Balcony Shirts. Last week saw Iain Lee make a visit to do some filming - he's long been a Twitter acquaintance of the shop, and rather splendidly agreed to do some promotional work on our behalf. You can view that results on YouTube here - aren't Chris and Scott good actors?

Continuing the theme of strange things there's an upcoming election for the position of Mayor of London - on Thursday a large red bus with the words 'BETTER OFF WITH KEN' emblazoned along it's sides blocked traffic in Windsor Street and indeed blocked the daylight in the shop. Ken Livingstone was in town, accompanied by film crews, clip-board carrying young assistants and probably more besides. I always rather liked him, not least because I believe that he's something of an expert on newts; I also saw him respond to being asked how much alcohol he drinks with the answer 'I've no idea how much I drink, but I can assure you that it's nowhere near enough' which made a refreshing change from the whiter-than-white answers most politicians give to questions like that. You may argue that these are not the best reasons for voting somebody into power, but in my view it puts him light years ahead of Boris Johnson, who also found his way to Uxbridge this week, presumably by accident although I guess you never know. The sight of a bunch of fat deformed sycophants plying him with compliments and requests for photographs was nearly enough to cause my breakfast to make a return appearance.

We had a budget last week, which gave the coalition Government another chance to reduce the tax burden on the richest members of society by victimising the least well off and the old age pensioners. And then there's the petrol 'crisis' - did YOU fill up your jerrycan with fuel that you didn't know you needed just because that nice Mr. Maude told you to? After all you don't want those nasty smelly loony-lefty tanker drivers ruining you Easter driving for you now do we? Ah - there's nothing like a bit of panic buying to take the country's mind off the fact that it's just been ripped off left right and centre, and of course to turn everybody against the unions in the process. In the event it all seems to have backfired on the Government for once and they're now saying that there's was no need to top up on petrol after all, which presumably means that they've raised in increased duty revenue from the last few day's hysteria to fund another tax cut for the wealthy. The next thing they'll say is that they never said that we should buy extra petrol in the first place - after all, Francis Maude still seems to have a job, and surely he'd be out of office if he'd made a mistake like that - wouldn't he?

And then there's VAT on hot takeaway food - who'd have thought that politicians would be so serious about pasties? I hope that next time some chinless wonder on the election trail in Cornwall is forced against his will to eat some of the local produce for a photo they're given a freezing cold one because it's cheaper.

Cynical? Me? Maybe - but I've mused here before on how I can never see how any working class person can vote for the Conservative Party and I still can't, although I'm beginning to apply the same criteria to the Liberal Democrats too.

Meanwhile The Uppercut gave a riotous performance at The Kings Arms in Harefield on Saturday evening. The band played there back in October while I was away - my good mate and ex-Awaken guitarist Pete filled in for me then and by all accounts a splendid time was had by all then, and it certainly was this time. That said things began badly for your humble narrator when our opening number 'Dock Of The Bay' was interrupted by some particularly unpleasant buzzing and crackling sounds from my amplifier. It got so bad that I had to leave the lads to finish the song without me while I attempted to discover what was going on. I thought that perhaps a valve had worked loose so pushed them all back into their sockets; sadly the same problem remained. Out of increasing desperation I unplugged my guitar lead from the amplifier and the noises stopped - I'd never heard a dodgy guitar cable make a sound like that before but replacing it seemed to do the trick. That said I'll still check the amp over in the next few days. Our first set built up well, with a chap doing some particularly animated dancing in front of us and more and more people coming in from the front bar to have a listen; the second set really took off with much dancefloor action and a great reception for our efforts with the only downside coming when our singer Terry was hit in the teeth by his microphone when the particularly animated dancing man got even more animated and bumped into him. Ouch!

Sunday I made my way over to Loughton to rehearse with Department S, who I'm depping with on bass for two gigs this month. This may sound an unlikely state of affairs and indeed probably is however you look at it, but as often happens there's a simple enough explanation. The 'new' guitarist in the band is Sam Burnett who I played a gig with on bass a couple of years ago. (Click here for the story.) When regular bassman Mark said he was unavailable for these shows Sam suggested me - top man! So it was then that I joined him, Mike (guitar) Stuart (drums) and Eddie (vocals) at Soundlab Studios for a very enjoyable blast through the songs for the gigs. I borrowed Sam's Tokai bass which sounded great through the Ampeg set-up in the studio - I hope it sounds as good on the gigs, and I hope the band sounds as good as it did in Loughton where we got on so well that we finished 90 minutes early. Now that's something that doesn't happen in rehearsals too often.

And last night I saw Public Image Limited at Heaven in London's Charing Cross. At times the 2 1/2 hour set often trod a very fine line between repetition and monotony, although somehow they always seemed to be on the right side of the line. John Lydon was as engaging a performer as ever - in other words, one of the very best you're ever likely to see - and the band played with skill and precision throughout. The new songs sounded every bit as good as the old ones, the old ones sounded every bit as good as I remember them sounding and the capacity crowd loved them for it. Great stuff all round -and if I see as performance as intense as last night's version of 'Religion II' ('turn up the bass' said Lydon repeatedly - it ended up being so loud all my clothes were vibrating. And I've just shaken off an earwax problem... mind you it gave me some ideas for the Dept. S gigs!) then, well, it'll probably be PiL playing it somewhere else, if you see what I mean.

As the show ended an chap stopped me, told me to take no notice of him as he was drunk, then said that he though Lydon was 'turning into Yes, turning into everything he hated'. I took no notice of him - he told me not to after all - and anyway, he was wrong. Very wrong.

And there's just time to mention that I'm guest panellist on Music Scene Investigation this coming Sunday 8th April at 9pm - let's see what songs they throw at me this time!

His-tory repeating

I was stumbling around first thing on Thursday morning attempting to wake up when an item on Breakfast TV caught my (half open) eye. It seems that some local ladies had led a protest outside a cinema in Chesterfield that was showing 'The Iron Lady' - they were angry at the film's portrayal of Margaret Thatcher as some sort of feminist icon rather than as the inhuman monster that she so obviously is. They had one of the protesters in the studio, along with a film critic - the protester admitted that she hadn't seen the film which unfortunately weakened her argument somewhat, but the item raised some interesting points about the re-writing of history that seems to be happening around the dark days of the '80s. I must say that I haven't seen the film either (mostly because the clips that I have seen show Meryl Streep's performance to be such an uncannily accurate recreation of the harridan herself that I wouldn't be able to watch it without breaking something) but in my not-so-humble opinion the Conservative government of the time all but destroyed this country, and any attempt at recasting the leader of that government as a hero has to be spoken out against. Chesterfield was very badly effected (and indeed continues to be effected) by the closure of the coal mines in the mid-'80s, hence the protest there - it'll be interesting to see if there are any other protests along similar lines anywhere else.

Time for the first Uppercut gig of 2012, and it's at a new venue for us, The Admiral Nelson in Twickenham. It's one of those pubs that seems to reveal a new part of it every time you turn a corner (if you know what I mean) and from our point of view the show was very definitely a game of two halves. We began uneventfully enough with '(Sittin' On) Dock Of The Bay' (we find that it's often a good idea to start with a relatively laid back song, especially at somewhere that we've not played at before) but during 'Under My Thumb' some very strange noises started coming from the P.A. system. And no, I don't mean my backing vocals - more like a high pitched foghorn which we assumed was feedback and which had at least one audience member putting his fingers in his ears. It got so bad that we had to abandon our third song 'I Heard It Through The Grapevine' to try to find out what was causing it - by a process of elimination (plugging and unplugging things!) it revealed itself to be coming from my microphone. Bah! We unplugged it, re-started the song and played the rest of our first set without incident to the increasing approval of those present. Good.

In the interval I decided to put some music over the P.A. for a bit of atmosphere - when I plugged my phone into the same channel that my microphone had been in the high-pitched foghorn noise re-appeared. So it wasn't feedback... time for a visit to the repairman then!

The second set went better than the first, helped by the boisterous presence of a bunch of lads who sang along lustily at every opportunity (often into Terry's microphone) and a fair bit of dancing from the locals. We even played a request of 'Johnny B. Goode' as a second encore which we don't normally play but managed to get through without too many problems. A good gig - in the end.

And it was definitely a good gig last night, when The Good Old Boys returned to The General Elliot in Uxbridge for the second time in less than a month. The show before Christmas was enjoyable but this one really was excellent - Nick Simper returned on bass meaning that 'Hush' was back in the set, and the whole band were on top form throughout the show. Alan, Pete and myself have a couple of upcoming gigs for our acoustic trio The Rikardo Brothers which I'm really looking forward to; various rehearsal dates and perspective new songs were discussed before myself and East joined Hud at the bar for a few drinks and a discussion that went on well past my bedtime - details are sketchy but East's declaration of intent to form a band called Ned's Acoustic Dustbin to play a song called 'Kill Your Tunnel Vision' shows that the producers of 'The Iron Lady' may not be alone in rewriting the history of the 1980s...

The Eton Rifles

It was the 75th anniversary of the Battle Of Cable Street on Tuesday - given some of their more dubious links there's a peculiar irony about it taking place during the Conservative Party conference don't you think? I somehow doubt that there were any commemorative events being held at the conference... still I did see an item on the London News about it, and The Mirror had quite a big article on it so at least it wasn't completely bypassed by the media. Back in the late 1980s The Price did a few gigs for Cable Street Beat (perhaps best thought of as the musical arm of Anti-Fascist Action) at a time when it seemed that extreme right wing politics were everywhere; at a show at The Electric Ballroom in Camden Town (we weren't playing - I think it was The Men They Couldn't Hang among others?) I met Solly Kaye whose memories of the day itself really were extraordinary and whose speech from the stage redefined the word 'inspirational'. In the meantime the ever-excellent Daily Mash summed up the Tory gathering better than I ever will - many a true word spoken in jest, as they say...

In the meantime 2 great - make that great - guitarists have recently left the building -

I only saw Bert Jansch play once (at a blues festival in Oxford since you ask) but I'll never forget it. I'd heard his name a million times but had not really heard him play - as he hunched over his acoustic guitar playing finger-busting chords whilst singing with a chilling other-worldy voice I realised why the likes of Jimmy Page always name-checked him as one of the all time greats. Along with Davy Graham he defined acoustic guitar playing for many, and he'll be very sadly missed.

I never got to see Marv Tarplin play but I've certainly heard him. And so have you although you might not realise it - his work with Smokey Robinson And The Miracles mark him out as one of the great players and indeed songwriters of what for many was Motown's golden era. That's him on 'Tracks Of My Tears' and 'Going To A Go-Go' for instance, and if that's not proof of his brilliance then I for one don't know what is. Another sad loss.

And away from music Steve Jobs has died, although I'm sure that you're aware of that as it's been in the news rather more than the above two stories. As I sit here typing on my MacBook I feel that even I owe him something, although I'm not really sure what. I'll have a think about that and let you know if I come up with an answer!

The Chicago Blues Brothers returned to The Theatre Royal in Windsor this weekend for 3-shows-in-2-days - previous visits have been for longer which I guess is indicative of how quiet things are for the band these days compared to the last few years. Still they were 3 good shows with Friday evening probably just edging Saturday evening in the 'best of the bunch' stakes; the Saturday matinee (hey, that rhymes!) was a bit odd to say the least, with only a hundred or so people in the audience and although we still gave a good show it was difficult to 'get going', if you know what I mean. Ben was depping for Dave on trumpet on Saturday (it was the A-Team all round apart from that) and he did a wonderful job, particularly on 'Minnie The Moocher'. Around halfway through the second Saturday show Squirrel and myself both realised that the black dots that were appearing on the stage were sweat that was dripping from Matt - that man's energy never ceases to amaze. After Friday's show Mike, Matt and myself decided to go for a drink - sometime after 2 a.m. we left The Old Ticket Hall in a rather more confused state than the one we had arrived in. Maybe that's why we decided to walk though Eton to the Slough Travelodge where we were staying rather than get a cab? Maybe that's why the matinee show was a little odd? Maybe that's why the last section of this posting is somewhat disjointed?

Well, maybe.

Looking through Charlie Gilmour's eyes

Another week, another riot (now there's something you never think you're ever going to type!) and what better image to be left with from the protest against the increase in tuition fees than Charlie 'son-of-David' Gilmour hanging from the Cenotaph? Well actually there are probably quite a few better images, not least the hilarious interview he gave on the London news programme when whilst carrying a false leg that one would imagine came from a shop window dummy (let's hope it didn't belong to a disabled person!) he slurred his way through a few sentences (given the amount of photographic evidence he could find himself slurring his way through a very different type of sentence fairly soon) before saying that he'd only 'borrowed' the leg and was intending to take it back, honest. Excellent! But of course there are any number of serious points to be made here, not least the irony that many of the M.P.'s voting for the increase went to university in the days before student loans and therefore received a full grant. How soon they forget - 'we don't need no education' as someone once sang... and of course the right wing media can have a field day at the 'troublemakers' as indeed can the Conservative and Liberal politicians, therefore obscuring the fact that many people will be put off from continuing their education simply because they can't afford it, and that many of the people who voted in favour of that happening signed a pledge to say that they opposed it. Does this mean that we can never believe anything that they say again - or does it mean that we never could in the first place? It looks as though we do need some education after all... and before we leave the glory of the Tories Jeremy Hunt has been in the news again after his name was mispronounced on the radio - apparently he was more amused than offended, 'though I'm sure he's heard the word on many occasions (and if you want to hear it click here!) not least because his nickname around the Ministry of Culture is apparently 'corrible'...

In the meantime Friday evening saw The Upper Cut return to The Bell in Ruislip for a show that got off to a less than ideal start - I walked in just as Watford scored their second of three goals against Queens Park Rangers amid scenes of great distress among the assembled multitude. The pub guv'nor appeared wearing a Q.P.R. shirt and a less-than-happy expression, and by the time we went on (after the match had finished at nearly 10 o'clock) there was very little interest in what we were doing. The pub is L-shaped, and we played down one end whilst a few people came around to watch us for the most part everyone stayed in the other part. Bah! Still we used the opportunity to play some of our newer material as well as bringing back a few songs that we'd not played for some time, and while it would be easy to moan or be cynical (oooh imagine that!) we had a good time even if nobody else did. As we were leaving the landlady told Terry that she'd be in touch as they'd like to have us play there again so I guess we must have done something right?

Saturday it was time to see a couple of bands in a couple of venues - Substance at The Crown and Treaty in Uxbridge and Sociology at The Bell in Ruislip. Yes that's right, The Bell in Ruislip again. Before our gig there the previous evening Terry the bass had noticed a poster advertising a gig on Saturday and observed that Sociology feature his mate Steve on guitar who has depped for me in The Upper Cut when I've been unable to make a gig. It seemed a good chance to catch them, although as I'd already intended to get along to see Substance for the first time in something like 15 years (I think one of the last Price gigs in our original incarnation was with them and we certainly played with both Need and Babapapa, the two bands that they'd all originally been part of) we hatched a plan to get along to both gatherings.

We made a quick visit to the C & T to check when they were on (11 o'clock) then headed for Ruislip. As we arrived at The Bell it was clear that there was no one on the stage yet we could hear live music - yes, you've guessed it, they'd set up in the end where all the people are. 'You lot should have played down this end' said a cheery chap who struck up a conversation with Terry. Well, yes we should, and no doubt we will next time... I'd not met Steve before but he seemed a very nice chap, and his band played a good mix of material, even gamely responding to a request for a Roy Orbison song. Good stuff.

Meanwhile back at The Crown and Treaty Substance were storming through their set - well I think it was them, it was difficult to tell as there were no lights on the stage at all while they were playing. Still it was good to hear (if not see) them again, and if anything they sounded even better than they did back in those dim and distant days. They finished at midnight and I'd intended not to be out too late, but as both Terry and myself bumped into several people that we'd not seen for a while we were still there nearly 2 hours later. What a way to carry on eh?

Having spent much of Sunday stumbling around thinking 'I really should go back to sleep for a while' I eventually admitted defeat and went back to sleep for a while, and woke up feeling a whole lot better for it. I'm sure hangovers didn't used to last as long as they do these days? But it was good to be feeling better as the evening saw this year's last 'Acts Less Ordinary' gig at The Load of Hay, and what better way to end the year than with the legend that is John Otway. I'd spoken to him about a possible Uxbridge show back in September when T.V Smith and myself played at Attila The Stockbroker's anniversary gig in Shoreham, and was well pleased when he came up with a gig date for us as well as being more than a little intrigued when he announced his intention to do 'John Otway's Christmas Lecture' rather than a normal gig, although 'normal' is the last word that you can use when Otway is involved... myself and East arrived at 7 o'clock to find Grant the landlord lighting the fire in anticipation of a busy evening; Otway himself arrived shortly afterwards to set up his laptop and projector (!) and opted to use the pub's T.V. screen rather than his own. He then sat down to sew the buttons back on his white shirt (in case you're wondering why he'd do such an apparently odd thing before a gig, have a look at the 'Bunsen Burner' promotional film - around 50 seconds in you'll get your answer!) telling me that his mum used to do it for him right up until when she died last year aged 89, 'a button sewer until the end'. I took the opportunity to ask him about Pete Townshend's involvement in the early part of his career - he recalled 'standing as far away as I am from you' (i.e. about a yard) from Townshend as he recorded the guitar part for 'Louisa On A Horse' and thinking 'he's good'; he also told of recording the vocals for 'Misty Mountain' at Olympic Studios - he was on his way back into the control room from the recording area when 'a little man' stopped him and told him that it sounded good, and when he got to the control room the engineer asked him what Mick had thought of it...

9 o'clock and with a good crowd in it's time for the lecture to begin. Unsurprisingly given Otway's self-deprecating sense of humour the subject was his failure in the music industry, and very funny it was too with plenty of graphs and charts on the screen as well as live and interview clips and much more besides. I won't give any more away in case you go to see it (I wouldn't want to ruin the surprises!) but it left me with the thought that he isn't a failure at all - after all you don't accidentally get a 35 year career do you? An absolutely brilliant evening, and a fine end to a year of Sunday night gigs at the venue. I'm not sure how I'm going to top this one - maybe Charlie Gilmour would like to do something for us? Well, it's a thought.

God only knows

Well I certainly wasn't expecting the comment that the last posting received - is that religious spam? I actually thought someone might have a go at me - reading it again I'm not sure that they didn't! And yeah, I know it's a cheap shot to have a go at the Royal Wedding, but just because something's an easy target it doesn't mean that it shouldn't be hit. Which reminds me, Lord Young has become the latest top Tory (a bit of a contradiction in terms?) who's had to resign after his remarks regarding the 'so-called recession'. Remind me again why any working class person thought that it would be a good idea to vote Conservative?

Ok, more moaning - I tuned into one of the music channels that we all seem to have on the T.V. on the other day to be confronted by the sight of the excellent - maybe that should be formerly excellent? - Roy Wood in seasonal mode. Could the man who wrote all those great songs with The Move and Wizzard really do a medley of 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday' and 'Wombling Merry Christmas' with those rock gods The Wombles? Sadly he could, and even more sadly he did. Awful. Awful. But not as awful as the next song, 'Firework' by Katy Perry. The combination of intelligence-insulting lyrics and banal half-finished sounding music might actually be the worst recording I've ever heard. It makes 'Mull Of Kintyre' sound like 'My Generation', and Keane sound like The Clash. I would have switched channels or left the room but it was so terrible that I felt as though it was something I needed to endure as some sort of bizarre rite of passage before I could listen to something decent. Even the bit in the video where her chest emits sparks couldn't rescue it. Totally and utterly appalling.

Then again, what do I know? I'm supposed to be a musician but I'm only playing a grand total of 2 - count 'em, 2! - gigs this month, and one of them was a short notice 'can-you-lot-fill-in-for-a-band-that's-cancelled?' show with The Upper Cut on Saturday at After Office Hours in Barnet. Our first set saw dancing in the first song and a fair amount from then on in - a guy out of the audience kept asking us if he could sing 'Brown Eyed Girl' with us - Terry the singer let him have a go and he made a reasonable job of the bits he knew; sadly for the rest of the time he was reduced to roaring 'I DUNNO THE FARKING WORDS TO VIS BIT' which his mates found hilarious. Maybe it was? I'll never know why people like him do this sort of thing to themselves. Mind you I'm not entirely sure why people like us let them. Still, a good gig overall and we were offered a return date next month which I sadly can't do as I'm gigging with T.V. Smith that night. It's always the same isn't it? - none for ages and then 2 come along at once...

Sunday it was time for a return visit to The Load of Hay for the ever-excellent Kris Dollimore. Since his last visit he's been spending a fair bit of time playing out in France (click here for a clip of him on French T.V) as well as recording a new album which judging by the new songs played at last night's performance will be his best yet. In a new departure he used a looper pedal to create drone effects during some of the songs, which he'd been apprehensive about before the gig but I thought sounded terrific particularly on 'The Mercy Man'. I've never seen him do a bad show but when he pronounced himself happy with his performance I knew that this one had been outstanding. Wonderful stuff - I think he could have made even 'Firework' sound like a classic. Well maybe not, but you get the idea.

Right, time to stop moaning (for once!) and to get practicing some guitar. When there are not too many gigs about it's important to stay match fit for when the phone rings. Assuming it does of course...

Communication breakdown

So - what have I done with myself since the last gigs?

Well one if the things I managed to do was to lose my mobile phone. I definitely had it first thing on Saturday morning as I used it as an alarm clock (a very expensive alarm clock as we shall see) but somewhere between waking up and arriving at the shop I managed to misplace it. Or it was stolen. Or something. Bugger! I assumed that I'd left it at home and spent the day alternating between thinking things like 'oh this is nice, no one can bother me, it's actually quite liberating' and 'oh no - Paul McCartney's probably calling me at this very moment to ask if I'd like to be his rhythm guitarist at his Hyde Park gig and leaving messages like ''can you let me know in the next half-an-hour or I'll have to give it to someone else'' and I can't even get the message let alone call him back'. Anyway I got home to discover that it was nowhere to be seen - after the obligatory 'I'll re-trace my steps' scenario that we all try when we've lost something (well, we do don't we? And it never works does it?) I went back into Uxbridge to tell my tale of woe to the young chap at the O2 shop. He was very helpful, gave me a new SIM card then called customer services for me who blocked my old SIM and activated the new one for me. All was going well until I asked what I should do next. 'Is the phone insured?' the young chap asked me cheerily. 'Yes, I pay it on direct debit' I answered with all the misplaced confidence that someone who's about to be proved wrong always seems to have. 'Well there's nothing on our system' said the young chap, slightly less cheerily. 'Oh - well who am I paying that money to every month then?' 'I don't know sir but it's not us!' he replied, looking as though he wanted to change the subject. Time for a visit to the bank then... it then transpired that I'm not due for an upgrade until next July and so now have two choices :- use an old handset, or buy (buy! Shouldn't they give me one, the amount that bloody iPhone costs me? Bah!) a new one to use as a pay-as-you-go phone until then. Or of course I could buy a new iPhone for (gulp!) £449. Hmm... I'm sure I've got an old handset somewhere... it's annoying but, let's face it, I've only lost a phone, not an arm.

And, as it turned out, I hadn't lost a phone either. When I got to the shop on Monday morning I found it under the counter where I usually leave it. But I'm sure I didn't take it in with me, and it definitely wasn't there at closing time on Saturday. No, it definitely wasn't. Honest. Of course when I saw it I became even more convinced that Macca had been calling all weekend, and if that wasn't bad enough the new SIM card wasn't working yet and Eric Clapton's probably been trying to get through as well... it's still not back on as I type this, and I've now spent a fortune calling customer services on our landline, as well as no doubt missing out on every decent guitar-playing job in the known Western World. Argh!

What else? Oh yes, I've developed hay fever. Well, no massive shock there as I get it every summer but it had held off this year not least because the weather's been so lousy, and I think I'd got all optimistic in a 'perhaps-I'm-not-going-to-get-it-or-if-I-do-it-won't-be-too-bad' sort of way. No such luck - I'm sneezing, spluttering and coughing as well as having itchy eyes along with blocked sinuses which as well as giving me a headache have resulted in me not being able to hear out of my right ear due to wax build-up. That's what I get for that jibe about global warming at the last CBB gig then. Still at least the weather's better.

Oh and before I forget to mention it, England got knocked out of The World Cup by Germany. But you knew that already didn't you? I watched the game with my Dad, who's analysis of England's attempts at professional football wasn't quite as funny as this one, but was just as accurate. Will people PLEASE stop thinking that the English football team are to be taken seriously as anything other than Keystone Kops impersonators and let them get on with their cossetted little lives as celebrity time wasters. They'll thank you for it (or at least their spokesperson will) and you won't have to go through what you went through on Sunday afternoon again. Simple eh?

Except of course it isn't that simple is it? I'm not in the least bit patriotic but it's still good to see our national sports teams doing well, and therefore it's hard not to feel let down by the appalling performances of the last couple of weeks. Oh well, there's always Wimbledon... actually forget I said that because we've got no chance there either, although if by some miracle Andy Murray does do well in the tournament it'll be interesting to see if the media hail him as a 'British champion' rather than a 'Scottish failure', as well as saying that he's actually a paragon of jollity rather than the miserable sour-faced git that they've led us to believe him to be. And anyway I bet I'm not the only person that thinks that it's just a load of Top Gear-loving Tories getting sunstroke whilst watching a couple of characterless nonentities attempting to return each other's rocket-powered serves - in other words it's about as uninteresting as an uninteresting thing being uninteresting, which I think you'll agree is very uninteresting indeed. Still at least the audience could be World champions at this... and talking of Tories and football Jeremy Hunt is the latest intellectual dwarf to make some ill-advised comments regarding the Hillsborough disaster by linking it to hooliganism. Quite how someone who many people (not me of course, libel fans) might now see as an arrogant, blinkered, pig ignorant little shithead ended up with the job of (wait for it!) Secretary Of State for Culture, Olympics, Media and Sport (really!) is a subject that's perhaps is best not debated here - that said Iain Duncan Smith could perhaps suggest somewhere that he could move to in the pursuit of a more appropriate job - but the incident bought to my mind Jeffery Archer, a man who has the rare distinction of having had his name adopted by the criminal fraternity as slang for a sum of money, an Archer being £2,000. Perhaps it's time to start a campaign to have 'Jeremy Hunt' replace 'Berkeley Hunt' in rhyming slang? Well, it's a thought. And not a bad one at that.

I've got some gigs this weekend. I'll try to cheer up a bit then.

'Thank you and goodbye'

So - did YOU vote for The Liberal Democrats in the general election because you wanted to keep The Conservative Party out of government? Did you really want to vote for The Labour Party but thought that nice Mr. Clegg seemed like the sort of person that you could trust, and that even though he was another ex - public schoolboy posh bloke like that not-quite-so nice Mr. Cameron he'd definitely back that grumpy old Mr. Brown in a coalition government?

Oh dear!

Don't worry, people like me won't blame people like you for the carnage that awaits society - you can blame yourselves for that - but should a situation like this occur again it might be a good idea to recall the words of the late great Aneurin Bevan -

'We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.'

Good luck everybody - we're going to need it...